Stewed, Screwed and Tattooed
by Merrymoll
Summary: Snape is found out as a Spy, and Lucius Malfoy helps him escape. Stuck at Hogwarts and bored, our lads get drunk and decide to get a tattoo to cover up their Dark Marks. Drunken apparition, Glaswegian Muggle Tattooists and misadventures ensue.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: All Wizardy thing belong to J K Rowling. Cat Duncan belongs to me. Monty Python quotes belong to Monty Python. Contents may settle in transit. Close cover before striking**

Stewed, Screwed and Tattooed

Prologue: In Which There Is Tedious Exposition

_Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Aberdeenshire, Scotland, 1995_

"I believe I am having a mid life crisis."

Severus Snape paused with glass halfway to lips. Lucius Malfoy was off with his normally impeccable timing – he usually waited until Severus had taken a mouthful to choke on or spray before saying something outrageous. Severus prided himself in maintaining his dignity at all times, and Lucius, as his self appointed unofficial big brother, took great delight in ruffling his feathers. The fact that he hadn't here could probably mean that he was serious.

They were getting rat-arsed drunk in his rooms at Hogwarts, a tradition set up shortly after he and Lucius had spectacularly made themselves _persona non grata _with the Dark Lord roughly a year before. After the horrific fiasco of the final Tri-Wizard Task that left Cedric Diggory dead and Potter near catatonic with grief and horror; Severus had followed Dumbledore's order to return to the Death Eater fold. And on arriving, had found that whilst impersonating Mad Eye Moody, young Barty Crouch Junior had been nosing around Moody's personal Ministry files, and had found one in particular.

The Janus file.

Severus had been passing on information to Moody a good few months before he'd mistakenly landed Lily Potter in the shit with that bloody prophesy. It had become painfully clear, shortly after taking the Dark Mark, that Voldemort was more interested in personal aggrandisement than in changing the wizarding world for the better. Severus didn't see the value of blood and mayhem; it would have been tactically better to present themselves as a political presence, seeking change though the Wizangamot. The Artist Formally Known as Tom Riddle was damn convincing when he wanted to be, and with help from influential Purebloods like Lucius Malfoy, he could've been a force to be reckoned with in the Ministry.

But no. Voldemort wanted the pain and death of Muggles, Mudbloods, blood traitors and any other bugger stupid enough to challenge him. This soon had the Death Eaters labelled as a terrorist group qualifying for Unforgiveables from Aurors and imprisonment with barely a trial. Severus had finally had enough one night, standing outside a burning Muggle house beneath a Morsmordre. The poor buggers hadn't even known about the wizarding world, what possible threat could they have been? What was the bloody _point_? And thanks to that blasted brand on his arm, he couldn't walk away. Several badly mangled corpses were all that was left of those who'd tried; Reggie Black had never even been _found_.

So he'd begun to send information to Moody, signing himself as Janus, the Patron deity of his birthday. He'd felt some personal satisfaction seeing Voldemort seething after several of his plans were thwarted, relief that some lives were being saved and above all, the impression he was getting _some_ control back over his life again. Moody hadn't figured out who Janus was until Severus' trial after Voldemort's disappearance. Moody had been sitting next to Dumbledore, and Severus saw the metaphorical light bulb going on over the grizzled old sod's head when he'd given his date of birth. The old sod had later approached him, saying that he didn't like him and never would, but was grateful for his help.

The old sod had also noted his discovery in the Janus file. Which Crouch Jr had read.

Needless to say, the Dark Lord hadn't been impressed. Already enraged by the escape of Potter (putting a dampener in his triumphant return) and the reluctance of his "loyal" followers to find and help him during his hiatus as a disembodied wraith, Voldemort had been pushed into spitting incoherence at the news of Barty Crouch being kissed by a Dementor. Add that to the galling fact that the bearer of this news was Snape, the one Barty had uncovered as a traitor and you got one _very_ unhappy megalomaniac.

It had been when Voldemort had been about to deliver the _coup de grace_ after half an hour of Crucio and beatings from his erstwhile colleagues that Lucius had made his move. Muttering "I've had _quite_ enough of this," he'd blasted Voldemort back, grabbed Snape and activated his personal emergency portkey before any of the others had time to blink. Appearing in his bedroom at Malfoy Manor, he'd laid the twitching, battered Severus on the floor with a "Just a tick, old chum", roused Narcissa and then apparated the lot of them to the outskirts of Hogwarts and into the arms of a flabbergasted Albus Dumbledore.

For Severus, the days that followed were a blur of potions, pain and the fussing of Poppy Pomfrey and Narcissa Malfoy, who were soon joined by Molly Weasley. Severus, never a good patient at the best of times, had found his sarcasm and surliness had little to no effect on the three women. He'd given up after Molly had silenced a rant by shoving a spoonful of porridge into his mouth, and amused himself instead by watching Molly and Narcissa entering, despite themselves, into a tentative friendship. The thought of Arthur's and Lucius' reactions once they found this out gave him a happy buzz on top of the extra strength painkillers Poppy shoved down his throat.

Once Severus had recovered, Lucius had come to him to provide a long overdue explanation of his actions. Like Severus, Lucius had quickly become disenchanted with the Dark Lord, but had concentrated on looking after his own interests and that of his family; keeping his head down and doing the bare minimum in raids to pass as a heartless Death Eater, waiting it out for Voldemort to come a cropper. The man had no finesse, no refinement, barely the meanest cunning and in Lucius' opinion could hardly pass himself off as the Heir of Slytherin. Not to mention he was an uppity halfblood (no offence to Severus) with a chip on his shoulder. Lucius had been quite enjoying the Dark-Lord-free years by manipulating the Ministry (a far better occupation for a Slytherin; it didn't involve crawling around like a common criminal in mucky Muggle neighbourhoods), and was deeply miffed to find himself back at the beck and call of the bloody idiot once more. After seeing that Severus had been pulling the wool over Voldemort's eyes and would have continued to do so if it weren't for sheer bad luck, Lucius had finally decided to bloody well do something about it.

It did mean being on the Dark Lord's shit list, not to mention having to be civil to Albus Dumbledore and his merry band of Gryffindors, but sacrifices had to be made for a good cause.

Dumbledore, for his part, now had an unemployed spy and a barely reformed Death Eater on his hands. Fortunately Severus was still retained as Potions Master and Head of Slytherin, now free to try and turn his students away from the Dark Lord openly; one question and answer session with both he and Lucius describing _just_ what was involved in serving Voldemort had the vast majority of the House of Slytherin deciding to remain Dark Mark free. Lucius had made himself useful by bringing his charm and influence to bear on Cornelius Fudge and getting the idiot to admit Voldemort had returned. The Ministry was now on high alert and quite a few plots had been thwarted.

The downside to all this was that Severus and Lucius, as well as Narcissa and Draco, were stuck at Hogwarts. Severus' house at Spinner's End had been demolished by Voldemort himself. Malfoy Manor had centuries of wards on it and had fared somewhat better; only the outhouses, gardens and a few unlucky peacocks had suffered the Dark Lord's wrath, but it was still risky to return there in case it was being watched. Unable to venture beyond the gates of the school, the two Slytherins had found apart from teaching, manipulation, irritating Order Members (especially Gryffindors) and providing information, they had bugger all to do.

Which lead to the Friday Night Bender, now a tradition after twelve months. They'd grab as much alcohol from the kitchen elves as humanly possible, barricade themselves in Severus' rooms and discuss Life, the Universe and Everything. And bitch about things. And in Lucius' case, bring up the subject of Mid Life Crises'.

Severus laid down his firewhisky (the fifth – so far) and attempted to focus on Lucius. The blond wizard had rolled up his left sleeve and was staring glumly at the Dark Mark. Now inactive; Voldemort had severed magical ties to both of them to prevent them figuring out when a meeting was called; the mark was still black and would remain so until the little bastard got himself killed again.

Severus spitefully hoped the Dark Lord's demise would be even more embarrassing than being shafted by a toddler.

'I find myself wondering what my life would have been like if I hadn't taken this bloody thing. And now Draco's about to come of age, he'll not need Narcissa or I any more, soon. I'm stuck here surrounded by children...'

'There's the other's in the Order.'

'I was including them _in_ my definition of "children".'

'Ah.' Severus really couldn't argue with _that- _ especially with the prime examples of Black and Lupin to consider.

'As I was saying, I'm here surrounded by children, and that makes me feel, well, somewhat old. Redundant. What have I got to show for my life?'

Severus held up a wavering finger, 'Apart from a gorgeous wife, an heir, a bloody great big house and shitloads of money?'

Lucius blinked, 'Well, yes...'

'And looking half your age, and having Fudge wrapped around your finger and...'

'_Yes_, Severus,' Lucius was feeling a bit sulky, his best chum wasn't being nearly as sympathetic to his dilemma as he'd wanted, 'Apart from all that, I feel dissatisfied. I want something more in my life. Something, something,' he waved his hand vaguely. Severus leaned back to avoid the whisky sloshing from the glass. 'Well, just _something_. Else.'

Severus was about to tell Lucius he was being bloody maudlin and that was _his_ job, thankyouverymuch, when Lucius continued, 'And I really want to get rid of this bloody mark.' He glared down at his forearm again.

Now that was something Severus _could_ sympathise with. 'So do I.' He peeled back his own sleeve.

They shared a look, then glanced down at the physical reminder of the mistake they'd made, then looked glumly at the floor.

And then Severus had a brainwave. It wasn't a very good one, but he was drunk, and bored and now, thanks to Lucius, feeling rather depressed, but it offered a possible solution to at least _one_ of their problems.

'A cover up!'

Lucius was jolted out of his reverie as Severus leapt up, staggered over to his discarded teaching robes and rummaged through the pockets.

'What?'

Severus stood up triumphantly, grasping a card, 'Confiscated this from one of the brats today.'

Lucius took it from him and tried to focus on it as Severus continued, 'The little bugger was passing this about my class rather than concentrating on the assignment. He's a muggleborn who's sister is a tattooist.'

Light began to dawn as Lucius took in the bright artwork on the small calling card, 'So she could..?'

'Give us new tattoos to cover the marks, yes. We can't get a wizarding tattooist to do it; we can't go out in the wizarding world in case the Dark Arse catches us. But I hardly think any of our former associates would think to look for us in the Muggle World, especially not,' Severus reached out to tap the address on the card, and succeeded on the second attempt, 'Muggle Glasgow.'

o0o

Chapter One: In which our Heroine gets some rather odd customers.

_Glasgow, Scotland, 1995, the same evening._

Cat Duncan finished tidying up the shop, and looked around. Sweeping done: check. Floor mopped: checked. Surfaces wiped: check. Needles and instruments in the autoclave for sterilisation: check. Now all she had to do was lock up and she could head for a nice mocha at Cafe Nero and then home. It had been a slow day in the parlour, and Big Johnno had buggered off early for an urgent appointment in the pub, his prerogative as the owner and Head Tattooist, trusting Cat to deal with closing up.

She was just grabbing her jacket and the shop keys when two loud cracks sounded outside, then the door opened. She looked up and beheld:

A tall, beaky fella who looked like a refugee from a Hammer Horror movie, accompanied by the Timotae Girl. That is, if the Timotae Girl had undergone a sex change and gone Goth. And by the looks of it, they were both blootered.

She blinked.

Hammer Horror Man staggered forward and thrust his arm under her nose. 'I demand you obliterate this abomination!'

Cat took a step back; that arm had nearly bopped her on the nose, 'Y'whit?'

'You are a tattooist, are you not?'

'Aye.'

'And you specialise in,' he fished around inside the voluminous black robes he wore, produced one of the parlour's business cards and peered at it, '"Cover ups."'

'Aye.'

'Then I demand you cover this abomination up!' A long pale finger tapped the arm again, which Cat now saw sported a black mass on the forearm.

'I'd be happy to,' Cat began, which got the scowl on Hammer Horror Man's face looking a bit happier and a drawled "Splendid!" from Timotae Man, 'But not today.'

Timotae stepped wobbily between her and the darker man as he angrily drew in breath, 'Might I ask why?'

'The shop's closed for the day. And you're pished. We don't do tattoos on anyone on drink or drugs,' Cat pointed out the rather forthright sign Johnno had put over the counter confirming this, in rather more ribald language, culminating in a very final "Get tae fuck!"

Hammer Horror Man's scowl dissolved into a look of triumph, 'Ah! Can sort _that_ out!' He produced two vials, bullied Timotae Man into drinking one despite his protests that it "tasted like troll piss!" and then took some himself. Both men straightened up, shivering, and started to look more alert.

The nasty seed of suspicion that had been in Cat's mind since these two had entered the shop now blossomed into certainty. She leaned back against the shop counter and rubbed her eyes tiredly. And sighed.

'Aw shite. You're _wizards_, aren't you?'

o0o

An hour later, Lucius Malfoy found himself sitting on a squashy sofa in a Muggle coffee shop, nursing a rather good espresso. In fact, the cafe itself was rather good; tasteful décor, comfortable chairs (he'd have to see about transfiguring something similar for his den when he eventually got back to Malfoy Manor) and the music was unobtrusive and soothing. Not bad at all, even if it was full of, and run by, Muggles.

The petite woman, Catriona Duncan, sitting across from he and Severus, was sipping something called a "Mocha" from a mug approximately the size of a small bucket and listening to the explanation of their presence under the cover of a Mufflatio. Lucius wasn't too sure what to make of her. She barely reached five foot, and was somewhat on the buxom side; dark haired and a slightly sharp featured face. She was wearing a lurid yellow top advising "Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols" in mismatching script that looked as though it had been torn from _The Daily Prophet_, and a pair of those trousers he'd heard Mud – er _Muggleborns _(he really _must_ remember he was on the side of fluffy bunnies now) refer to as "jeans". They were black, as far as he could tell; they were so worn and torn he'd have consigned them to a house elf for use as a duster by now. And if her trousers weren't alarming enough, then there where her boots; flat heeled, purple, with a dozen laceholes done up with tartan ribbon, thick soled and utterly lethal looking.

And then there were the tattoos. Of course she _was_ a tattooist; but he'd never seen a woman with so many, and that was on the parts of her that he could _see_. A delicate vine started on her left collar bone and snaked under her top to reappear and continue down her arm like a gladiator's armour. Stars and hearts and birds were dotted about her arms, not covering them fully, but rather seeming to serve as punctuation.

Lucius couldn't decide if he was scandalised or intrigued. He wondered where else this odd little Muggle was tattooed, then felt guilty when he realised he was speculating about the body of a woman other than Narcissa. Then he wondered how he'd react if Narcissa got a tattoo. Then he wondered where Narcissa would _get_ a tattoo. He felt a smirk growing; of course, tattoos did sting somewhat, so _of course_ he'd attempt to soothe his lady's discomfort by offering to kiss it better. Lucius' smirk grew into a full blown grin as his mind happily travelled down the obvious routes of that little scenario. And then...

And then... he'd better get his mind back on the job, as the bizarre Muggle was starting to speak.

'So,' Duncan set her mug down on the table between them and looked at Severus, 'You're Professor Severus Snape. Potions Master, Head of Slytherin House and a torn faced bastard with the personality of a rottweiler with paint stripper on it's nipples.'

Lucius sniggered into his espresso as he saw Severus glare. As much as he liked Severus, he had to admit the dear chap should try to lighten up occasionally.

Duncan turned her attention to him;'And you're Lucius Malfoy, head of a Pureblood family, on the Hogwarts Board of Governors and a stuck up, bigoted ponce with a chip on your shoulder about Muggles and Muggleborns.' The amused smirk on Lucius' face was wiped off as Snape took his turn to snort.

'And you're here because...?'

'Lucius decided he was having a mid-life crisis,' Severus drawled, smirking as Malfoy glowered at him. The cheeky little bastard.

'And this is why you got pissed and apparated here from Aberdeenshire, while your raving nutjob of a Darklord is out looking for you.' Duncan leaned back with a sigh, rubbing her forehead, 'Isn't Slytherin supposed to be the house of _cunning_? Are youse two completely aff yer heads?'

Both wizards looked down and fiddled with their coffees, embarrassed. Lucius cleared his throat, 'I will admit it was a rather poorly thought out move on our part.'

'It wasn't thought out at _all_, poorly or not,' Snape glared at Malfoy. The blond wizard spluttered.

'Don't you look at me in that tone of voice, Severus! _You_ bloody suggested coming here-!'

'Lads, _lads_,' Duncan interrupted, before the two could get really started. 'Look, it was daft, but there's no harm done. Just you head back to Hogwarts before anyone realises you've gone. And get back in touch with me for an appointment. When yer not pished.'

Severus raised his eyebrows, 'You're willing to help us, even after-?'

She shrugged, 'Why not? You're both over eighteen, you've got money and I've never tattooed a wizard before, should be interesting. As long as you don't turn me intae a newt if the needle hits a nippy bit.' To Lucius' surprise, Severus smiled, a lopsided curl of the mouth that seemed to change his whole demeanour.

'But you'll get better,' he drawled, quirking an eyebrow. Lucius saw Duncan's face light up.

'D'ye weigh the same as a duck, Prof?" she asked, grinning.

Lucius watched the two grin at each other, somewhat confused._ What the bloody hell? _ 'What? Ducks? What in Merlin's name is she talking about?' he demanded.

'Oh, it's a Muggle thing, Mr Malfoy,' The bloody smart arsed Muggle said airily, 'You wouldn't _possibly_ understand.'

Severus picked up his coffee, raised it to his lips, looked over at her and muttered, 'Ni!' She burst out laughing. Lucius narrowed his eyes, suspecting that they were having a laugh at his expense.

'I must say, Miss Duncan, that you're taking all this rather well,' he said, trying to get things back on track, and away from them taking the piss out of him.

Dunan's face was still lit up in mirth, 'I've had worse Friday nights than having two pieces of eye candy appear out of nowhere and come for a coffee with me.'

Lucius started to preen, before he realised she'd said "two". And that she wasn't looking at him, but at...

Severus, who was staring back at the woman, looking as if he was under petrificus totalis. And was that a blush?

It was! Fantastic! Oh, he'd be ribbing Severus about this for _weeks_!

o0o

Severus nearly choked on his coffee. Eye candy? Well he could see it of Mr Lucius "I spend two hours in the bathroom each morning and scream like a girl if my hair is ruffled" Malfoy. But Duncan had said "two". And she was looking at him. Not at Lucius. _Him_. And smiling in an appreciative way.

He wasn't used to this sort of thing. Before they'd fallen afoul of the Dark Lord and been able to have drunken Friday nights in public, Lucius was the one who attracted attention from the fairer sex. Severus was either ignored, looked at fearfully or in disgust. In the small wizarding community, everyone knew both he and Lucius' shady past, but Lucius got away with it because he was filthy rich and handsome. That homely, halfblooded, working class Severus Snape didn't get away with it only gave fuel to his misanthropic view of people being shallow bastards.

But Miss Catriona Duncan was looking at _him_. And including _him_ in her definition of...

'Eye candy?' he croaked. Perhaps the sobering solution wasn't fully effective. Maybe he'd misheard or something. And, oh blast, he was blushing. He glanced over at Lucius, who was slyly watching him and grinning like a piranha. Damn. The bastard was going to be insufferable.

'Aye,' she was nodding; bloody hell, it looked like he _hadn't_ misheard. 'Well, Pretty Boy here goes without saying.' She gave Lucius a dismissive nod. Ha! That wiped the smirk off the bastard's face. He wasn't used to women dismissing him as just a pretty face.

Duncan continued, _still smiling at him_, 'I like a bit more substance in a man, Prof.'

Then again, _he_ wasn't used to women _not_ dismissing _him_. He swallowed.

'Oh, Severus is _very_ substantial, aren't you old chap?' Lucius drawled. Severus saw Miss Duncan's eyes widen, and looked over at Lucius. He was holding his hands about a foot apart, as if measuring...

'You know what they say about men with big noses?' the swine continued. Severus was saved from bellowing in outrage at the blond bastard by Miss Duncan, who narrowed her eyes at Lucius.

'Aye, and judging by _your _nose, Mr M, I'd say there'd be disappointment all round.'

Severus roared with laughter as Lucius spluttered, 'What? I'll have you know I've had no complaints about – oh sod it!' He laughed even harder when Lucius glared at him. Duncan was rolling in her chair, holding her stomach.

'Ye should see yer face, big man!' she hooted. Lucius took a final sip of coffee and set the cup down sulkily.

'Yes, yes, alright,' he huffed, 'As charming as this little tete-a-tete has been, I believe we should get back..'

'So soon?' Severus purred, 'But it's just getting interesting.' He heard Duncan snigger. It was rather nice to have an ally in taking the piss out of Lucius.

Lucius rolled his eyes. 'Be that as it may, Severus, the longer we linger the higher the chance one of our ah, _ex colleagues_ may see us.'

Damn. But Lucius was right. 'Very well. We'll find somewhere to apparate.' He inclined his head to Miss Duncan, 'Thank you for your patience, Miss Duncan. And for the coffee.' She'd ended up paying for it as neither he or Lucius had Muggle money. Yet another flaw in their drunken plan; he was pretty sure Muggle tattooists didn't take Galleons.

Duncan stood up with them, 'Nae bother, Prof. There's an alley next to here, I'll show you.'

Indeed there was, and conveniently empty. They said their goodbyes to Miss Duncan, and prepared to apparate. Severus closed his eyes and concentrated; it'd be just his luck to splinch while sober when he'd managed the previous trip rat arsed.

_Destination, Determination and Deliberation. _He turned, and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

'Um, I'm no' an expert, but something tells me this isnae supposed to happen?' came Duncan's voice. Severus opened his eyes. He was still in an alleyway, and still in Glasgow. Lucius was still beside him, looking confused. Duncan was still standing in from of him. Severus jammed his eyes shut and tried again.

Still nothing.

Duncan was looking at them, confusion and a hint of worry in her eyes, 'You can't apparate?'

Severus looked at Lucius, and Lucius looked at Severus.

'We can't apparate,' they chorused.

Bugger.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two; In Which Our Heroes Have a Problem (and a Fish Supper).

_Glasgow, Scotland, the same night_

It seemed her interesting evening wasn't over yet. Cat watched as the two wizards attempted apparition a few more times before giving up. Snape slouched against the wall.

'We need a floo,' he grumbled.

'Lucky for you I'm here,' she told them, 'There's a wizard area in Virginia Street.'

The Potions Master straightened up and fixed his attention on her, 'How far is it?'

'Just a couple of streets over.' She turned to lead them out of the alley. 'C'mon.'

'Wait.' She felt her arm being grasped, and turned to see Snape's eyes boring into her.

'We must be extremely cautious. In the past, the blocking of apparition routes was the prelude to a Death Eater attack.'

Shite. Cat's family had subscribed to _The Daily Prophet_ when Rob had started at Hogwarts, and she'd sneaked a peek at a few of his books. An apparition block before an attack was a signature of the Death Eaters; stop the victims from an easy escape route.

She swallowed. 'I thought nobody knew you lads were here?'

'She has a point, Severus. And this block is strange,' Malfoy was twirling his wand, drawing symbols of blue light in the air, 'The power behind this is _huge. _ Far too much for a block on just us.'

Severus turned back to the blond. 'What do you mean?'

'It's a block over an enormous area. Possibly the whole country.'

Snape stared at him for a few moments, 'The _whole_... Scotland?'

'The whole of the _UK_. We need to get back to Hogwarts, and quickly.' He straightened up but didn't put his wand away, holding it ready.

Snape spun about to face Cat again, 'I want you to listen very, very carefully, Miss Duncan,' he hissed; and Cat could see the stern Potions Master her brother moaned about, 'Lead us to Virginia Street; but if I tell you to run you will do so. And don't look back.'

'But will youse two be...?' Cat was cut off by a sharp glare as the wizard gripped her shoulders.

'Do _not _argue with me! If we are attacked you will be in grave danger; a killing curse will be the least of your worries if they realise you are a Muggle. I want no silly Gryffindor displays from you!'

Cat smiled at him, 'OK Prof. You tell me to run, I'll bugger off.' She gave his arm a quick squeeze, 'Just youse two make sure you're OK, right?'

Snape blinked at her, then looked at her hand on his arm. He let go of her shoulders and straightened up, looking a little awkward, and cleared his throat, 'Yes. Well. You needn't concern yourself, Miss Duncan. Lucius and I will be able to take care of ourselves.'

Still looking a little flustered, Snape drew his wand and nodded to the entrance to the alleyway, 'If you would.'

It didn't take long to get to Virginia Street; a short walk along St Vincent Street, right and down along Buchanan Street, left and along Argyll Street until they saw the entrance to Virginia down the side of a branch of Marks and Spencers. Only bland, oblivious Muggles on their way home or to the first pub of the evening were on the streets, along with a busker playing the bagpipes badly. Cat grinned at Snape when he sent a wordless hex to puncture the bladder, which deflated with a pathetic warbling wail.

'I bloody well get enough of that from Minerva,' he'd muttered, as the busker examined the bagpipes for the source of the failure.

'Minerva McGonagall,, right? She was the one who showed up when Rob got his letter. You're not a fan of bagpipes, then?'

'Played properly, yes. Unfortunately, my esteemed colleague hasn't yet surmised that enthusiasm does not equal talent.'

'Shame that. The pipes are great if it's done right. Not just in traditional music either, I mean there's this record by ACDC...'

'_Long Way to the Top_? From _High Voltage_?' asked Snape. Cat stopped to gape at him, so suddenly that Lucius, bringing up the rear, almost walked into her.

'You know it?'

'I have it,' he scowled, 'Or at least, I _had_ it. My house was destroyed after Riddle found out I was less than loyal to him. I haven't been able to get there to ascertain the damage yet. It's probably been broken, like the rest of my collection.' He kicked a crushed Tennant's Lager can out of his way. 'Damn it all.'

_He dresses like an old fashioned horror villain, likes Monty Python and collects Classic Rock LPs_, Cat thought; _I do believe I might be in love_. And he looked miserable, and Cat wanted to cheer him up just a little.

'Um, I can't help with your house, but Dad's got a huge collection of Rock LP's, I'm pretty sure he's got two copies of _High Voltage_. You could come over sometime and take a look; Dad's always saying he needs to clear out some of them. I bet he'll let you take a few.'

Snape looked over at her, one eyebrow raised, 'That's... very kind of you Miss Duncan...'

'Cat.'

The eyebrow raised a little further, 'I'm sorry?'

'Call me Cat. And it's nae bother.' She watched as that perplexed look came over the man's long face. It wasn't... _cute_. You couldn't, under any circumstances, call this man cute. But it was endearing. It was the look of a man who wasn't often happy or even content, and he wasn't sure how to deal with it when it happened. He cleared his throat.

'Ah. Very well, Cat. And I am Severus.' And he smiled, a lopsided, shy looking smile that made Cat decide very finally that when Snape came to get his coverup, she'd ask him out. He might not go for it, but no harm in trying, right? Rob would just have to get over the embarrassment of his big sister fancying his Potions teacher.

Though Rob being embarrassed was a major selling point in itself, she thought, evilly. That's what big sisters were for, after all.

'May I call you Cat too?' Malfoy butted into the nice little moment they were having. Damn. She'd almost forgotten Timotae Boy was there. She turned to him with a bright smile.

'Why of course you can, Lucy!' She winked at Snape as he tried to stop his eruption of laughter, 'We're all friends now, aren't we? Anyway, here's the Virginia Galleries. We just walk through here and we're in Horizont Alley.'

She bounced up the steps to the old sandstone building, grinning at the sound of Malfoy's outraged spluttering.

'Lucy? _Lucy? _Bloody cheeky Muggle!'

'You must admit it does rather suit you, _Lucy dear_.' Snape drawled as they followed Cat into what appeared to be a shopping arcade. For Hippies. Obviously built in the 1800's, it was an indoor courtyard flanked by small shops; to their immediate right was a dusty looking bookshop that had Snape's inner bibliophile drooling; balconies around the sides of the courtyard gave access to two further floors. The air was heavy with incense, old books and tea. The Victorian fixtures had been painted many bright, slightly clashing colours. Directly ahead was the stairs to the upper floors and an old fashioned cage lift. Most of the businesses seemed to specialise in the old, the odd and the downright bizarre.

As did the customers, who were a riot of piercings, tattoos, hair dye and tie-dye, some of whom nodded or greeted Cat as they ventured further in. Malfoy, temporarily distracted from his outrage at his new moniker, stared about himself.

'This is Horizont Alley?'

Cat laughed, 'Naw, mate, this is the Virginia Galleries, the Muggle side. Horizont's down in the basement, next to the Military memorabilia shop.'

Malfoy looked around again, and was smiled at by a pallid young woman wearing black, lacy clothing and a floppy velvet hat that wouldn't have looked out of place in Diagon Alley. 'This is all... Muggle?'

Cat spread her arms, grinning widely, 'Welcome to Alternative Culture, lads!'

o0o

Cat showed the two wizards to the wall leading to Horizont Alley. She stood back as Snape tapped out the standard entrance code for public wizarding areas, and grinned as the bricks pulled back and rearranged themselves into the entrance.

'Never get tired of watching that,' she said as she followed them in.

Only to be confronted by chaos. It wasn't the usual wizarding chaos either, because her few times visiting here with Rob hadn't involved witches and wizards shouting at each other and looking panic stricken. And shouting about floos. Cat glanced over at Snape and Malfoy, who were exchanging what could only be called a _significant look_. If there was something up with the floo system...

There _was_ something up with the floo system. With the use of subtle intimidation from Severus and a bit of bribery from Lucius, they skipped the large que for the floo but found that while a connection could be set up for communication, travelling through it was blocked.

It didn't, however, block the sheer waves of disapproval emanating from the lady who appeared in the green flames when Lucius contacted his rooms at Hogwarts.

Grinning widely, Malfoy went for pre emptive charm.

'Cissy darling!'

It didn't work.

'Lucius.' Narcissa Malfoy's voice would've frozen a polar bear. 'Where. Are. You?'

'Somedy's in trooouble,' Cat sang under her breath to Snape, who snickered. Malfoy glared at them over his shoulder before plastering a smile on his face to turn upon his infuriated spouse.

'In Glasgow, my sweet. Severus and I had a... slight miscalculation.'

'I see. Would this _slight miscalculation_ have anything to do with the two empty bottles of firewhiskey we found in Severus' rooms?'

'You got into my rooms?' Snape spluttered, 'I had double sets of wards on them!'

'Headmaster's perogative, Severus,' came an elderly man's voice from over Narcissa's shoulder. Snape paled even further than usual.

'Oh, bugger.'

Mrs Malfoy made way for a tall, thin wizard with a long snowy beard and robes in a clash of colours that would make a psychedelic artist have a headache. He peered in disapproval at Snape over his spectacles.

'There's no need for that sort of language, Severus. Especially in front of this delightful young lady. If you would be so kind as to make introductions?'

Cat was introduced to Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, Order of Merlin (1st Class), Supreme Mugwump, etc, etc. And apparently colour-blind. It was the robes. Cat couldn't take her eyes off them; like passing an accident, even though you shouldn't look, some morbid compulsion dragged your eyes to it.

She attempted to distract herself; 'You got any idea what's going on? I know the Floo's down, but the lads here couldn't apparate either. Is the Knight Bus affected too?'

'It seems all modes of magical transport have been affected. The Knight Bus is currently wedged under a low bridge near Cardiff, and brooms only get up a few feet before throwing the rider and snapping in two.' Dumbledore looked at Snape, 'However, more worrying is the reports we've had from the centaurs in the Forbidden Forest. Death Eaters have been amassing in the depths and a few giants have been spotted as well. Our... other contact in the Death Eaters has confirmed Voldemort is planning an assault on both Hogwarts and the Ministry.'

'Shite!' Snape hissed, then glared when Dumbledore opened his mouth, 'And don't look at me like that, Albus! If there was ever an occasion for foul language, this is it! How long do we have before he begins the attack?'

'They are waiting for more troops to arrive from overseas, and the wards of the castle will delay any assault further. Filius and Septima estimate it would take roughly a day and a half of continuous effort to break through.' He added, 'If there's any way you can get back to the school...'

'There is,' Cat said suddenly, 'My pal Malky's got a car – don't worry, he knows about wizards. Aberdeen's about three hours away, maybe less if he floors it. If we leave early tomorrow, before rush hour, the road's won't be so bad...'

'A car? I'm not getting into some Muggle...' Malfoy was cut off by Cat standing up and grabbing him by the front of his robes. 'Listen, _Lucy_,' she snarled, 'My wee brother's in there! If there's no way to get into the school magically, then there's no way _out_! You're getting in Malky's car if I have to punch your lights out and lock you in the feckin' boot!'

Malfoy stared at her for a second, before nodding. 'Y-you'e quite right, Miss Duncan. I let my prejudices get the better of me. My wife and son are there too; if this is the only way to get there, then,' he smiled wryly, 'I suppose I shall just have to grin and bear it.'

Cat let him go, and nodded, 'No bother.'

She turned back to the floo, 'Right, these two can crash at my place tonight. I'll call Malky and make sure he stays off the Bucky tonight, and we'll head off tomorrow morning. I'll get Severus here to direct us once we get near Hogwarts', Cat rubbed the back of her neck, thinking, 'If anything happens at your end tonight, you can floo my Granny Betty, she can call me and pass any messages on. Um, if you don't know her floo, my wee brother can tell you, he's..'

'Robert Duncan, in his fourth year in Ravenclaw. And doing very well, I may say.' Dumbledore smiled at her, 'It seems like we have a plan, Miss Duncan, thanks to your quick thinking. Severus?'

'I'll have to agree, Headmaster. She's right at least about leaving off until tomorrow; I don't relish being spread over a motorway if this Malky falls asleep at the wheel.'

Splendid! That's settled then. Unless there's anything else, Miss Duncan?'

'Just one thing,' said Cat.

'Yes?'

'Your _clothes_, man. Pink, red, green _and _sky blue?'

o0o

Lucius sulked all the way to Cat's flat, grumbling about uppity muggles. He looked mutinous when Cat got them to get on the bus to Cumbernauld, but one look at the small woman's sharp grin prevented him from commenting. He sat right at the back of the top of the double decker, scowling out the window.

Severus, on the other hand, was rather enjoying himself, even if Hogwarts was under threat; they did have some time, after all. Their newly acquired companion had intimidated Lucius, given the blond berk a highly embarrassing nickname, came up with a rather good plan _and_ criticised Albus' complete lack of dress sense. That would teach the old sod to make comments about Severus' love of black!

Even better: Narcissa had overheard her threatening Lucius, and had called out 'Goodbye, _Lucy_ darling!' as they'd left the floo office; and if there was one thing Narcissa Malfoy was good at, it was milking embarrassing moments for every drop of humiliation possible, especially if she was annoyed at the victim. And she was _very_ annoyed at Lucius right now. Severus was in for some grand entertainment at the expense of his old chum when the loving couple was reunited.

He glanced at Cat, who was perched on the seat beside him. She'd called the mysterious Malky and bullied him into presenting himself at her flat with his car and some "fish suppers", which Severus assumed was the local term for a portion of fish and chips. He'd not had fish 'n' chips in years, and he was rather looking forward to it.

She was quite attractive, really, he thought. She had a lop sided grin and her green-grey eyes sparkled when she looked at him; which he was still taken aback by. He knew he wasn't handsome, or pleasant; and she also knew of his background, yet unlike others who knew, she didn't seem to care. She liked Monty Python and Classic Rock.

Well then, if she was interested in him, he may just ask her out. Not just yet; once this fiasco was over, and he'd gotten to know the measure of her a little more. Perhaps when he went to get his coverup. Young Mr Duncan would just have to get over the embarrassment of his Potions teacher fancying his elder sister.

Though Mr Duncan being embarrassed was a major selling point in itself, he thought, evilly. That's what big nasty Potion Masters were for, after all.

'So... Cat,' he said to her, happily ignoring the grumbling Lucius behind him, 'Your father's record collection...'

o0o

Cumbernauld was a New Town. In the years following World War Two the housing conditions in Glasgow had become acute, and a number of new towns were built to accommodate tenants as the overcrowded tenements in the city were pulled down. It was rather a nice place, the houses looked decent enough, if terribly Muggle, and there were plenty of green and wooded spaces in between streets. The town centre, however...

'That,' Snape said, staring out of the window, 'Is hideous. Please tell me this isn't our stop?'

It was a yellow, concrete, blocky... thing. On stilts. The motorway they were on ran directly underneath it. Severus' mind shut out further details for self preservation.

'It's not our stop, don't worry,' Cat said. 'Our wonderful town centre. Just fills me with civic pride, that does.' She rolled her eyes.

'It's appalling.'

'The architect won a prize for it.'

'What in? The building most likely to make you vomit?'

'It was built in the sixties. Everyone was on drugs back then. It's the only explanation I can think of.'

The horrid place was fortunately out of sight when they arrived at Cat's home. Waiting for them at the entrance to the flats was a short, scrawny young man. He wore a white tracksuit with his socks pulled up over the bottoms of the trousers, scuffed trainers and an odd hairdo involving the fringe being gelled down over his forehead. A cigarette was lodged behind one ear. The face was a battleground of acne. He reminded Snape of the cheeky little bastards who hung around street corners near Spinners End, who seemed to think his name was "Goff". They certainly seemed to shout it often when he passed them by, at any rate.

'_This_ is Malky?' Lucius asked, staring at the youth with distaste.

'Aye, that's Malky. Be nice.'

'Whit's goin' on?' the young... man demanded of Cat. His voice seemed to come from his nose rather than his throat. 'Who're these two poo...'

'Ah?' Cat held a finger up. The boy scowled.

'P-people?'

'That's better. Malk, this is Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy. Lads, this is Malcolm Sneddon, also known as Malky, "Stop thief!" or "Haw, bawbag!"'

Malky squinted at Snape and Malfoy and nodded. 'Awright?'

Lucius looked at Severus and Severus looked at Lucius.

'I haven't the faintest idea.'

o0o

Lucius, slowly coming out of his sulk, was introduced to the Muggle custom of eating one's dinner from a plate in one's lap. Chewing on a chip thoughtfully, he surmised this was due to lack of space, Miss Duncan's flat was rather small, and had no dining room. She only had one bedroom, in fact! Taken in all, her domicile would probably fit in the dining room of Malfoy Manor. Did all muggles live in such deprived circumstances?

The décor was... acceptable. Judging by her bodily adornments he'd assumed her flat to be a riot of colour, but the walls were painted a warm terracotta and the carpet was beige. The walls held tattoo art and film posters, but also a few prints of Da Vinci, Van Gogh and a few of the Pre Raphaelites. He smirked as he looked at a Dracula poster directly across from him; that would explain part of her attraction to Severus.

Cat was sitting crosslegged on the floor next to where Severus sat, where she'd spread out a road map of Scotland, and was showing Severus the route to Aberdeenshire. Severus' long index finger was pointing out the rough whereabouts of Hogwarts. Cat was staring at his hand, and Lucius could see the look of speculation on her face. Naughty girl.

'Fanny-struck, the pair o' them.'

Lucius looked over at Malky. He'd almost forgotten the little oik was still there.

'I beg your pardon?'

Malky grinned at him, 'Just look at them, big man. If we wurny here, they'd be all o'er each other.'

Lucius glanced over at Severus, who was giving Duncan long, thoughtful looks out of the corner of his eye. 'I do believe you may be right.'

'Will he be awright for her? Wee Rob says he's a...'

'Torn-faced bastard?' Lucius smirked, 'Yes, he is. He's also a rather good friend and disgustingly loyal.'

Malky seemed to mull this over, 'Awright. But if he mucks her about...'

'I'm sure she can handle Severus. She's a rather... forthright young lady.'

'Aye, she is,' Malky sniggered, 'She stuck the heid on my Da.' At Lucius' startled look, he continued, 'Rotten bastard used to belt mah Maw around. One day he did it when Cat was up at our bit. She just went up to him and broke his nose, then she called the polis. Helped get him put away for five years.'

Lucius rubbed his nose, feeling he'd had a lucky escape back in the Glasgow Floo office. Malky sniggered, an odd, staccato guffaw.

'She's done a Cat Special on ye, aye? Grabs ye, gets in yer face and shouts?'

'Oh, yes.' Lucius recalled her furious face inches from his own. It had been frighteningly reminiscent of the "quiet word" Bellatrix had had with him before he married Cissy.

'Yer nose isnae broke. She must like ye.'

'I'll take your word for it, Mr Sneddon. How do you know Duncan, anyway?'

'We went tae the same high school. I took the piss oot o' her for being a goth, she beat the shite oot o' me, we startit talkin' ootside the headmaster's office when we got intae trouble for fightin'.'

'Ah, the beginning of a beautiful friendship.'

'The thing about Cat; she doesnae care whit ye are, just as long as yer decent. She's brand new. Scary, but brand new.'

Lucius wasn't too sure what "brand new" meant, but he could infer from Malky's attitude that he considered Cat to have sterling qualities. He popped another chip into his mouth and watched Cat and Severus, considering the situation. Severus seemed attracted to Cat. Cat seemed attracted to Severus. Cat was aware of Severus'... reputation, but she appeared to be prepared to make her own judgement about people. Alright, she was a Muggle, but she was... tolerable, and Severus had mooned after that Muggleborn Evans back at school, so possibly the right sort of Muggle would be a short step for him.

And really, it was about time Severus got himself a hobby apart from Potions, Dark Arts and tormenting students. The dear chap had been on his own for far too long; he, Cissy and Draco had become something of a substitute family for him, but he really needed someone of his own.

'Anyway,' Malky broke into his thoughts, 'Enough aboot Cat's sex life – and I don't want tae know about _his._' the man shuddered, glancing at Severus. 'Ah'm havin' a shot on the Playstation.'

Malky got up before Lucius could ask him what the devil he was talking about, and began to fiddle about with the "tee vee" contraption in the corner.

'Another hot date with Lara, Malk?' Cat aked, grinning. Malky threw her a two fingered salute over his shoulder as he sat down, holding an oddly shaped box with buttons, a cord trailing from it to the small grey box under the "tee vee". Intrigued despite himself, Lucius moved over to watch what Malky was doing. On the screen was a cartoonish young woman, and as she moved, he realised that Malky was controlling her actions with the box in his hands.

The young lady was rather... generously gifted in the mammary department, and when she landed after a long jump, certain areas... jiggled. Lucius began to appreciate the benefits of this Playstation contraption. Malky looked up, saw him staring at the screen, and grinned.

'Want a shot?' he held up the controller.

o0o

'I believe Mr Sneddon has corrupted Lucius', Severus murmured, 'And I realise as I say this that it's a long stretch to believe anyone could corrupt Lucius further than he already is.'

Cat looked up and beheld Lucius Abraxas Malfoy, scion of a Pureblooded wizarding Family, sort of reformed Death Eater, sitting on the floor beside Malky and enthusiastically playing _Tomb Raider._

'Ah, the siren call of Lara Croft. Or to be more accurate, Lara Croft's boobs. When I got that game, I couldn't get Malky off it for two straight days.'

'Mr Sneddon is here often?'

'Yeah, not like _that_, though,' Cat said, seeing the look on Snape's face, 'Aw, yuck, that'd be like _incest_. He started coming up to Mum and Dad's after his Da went to prison and ended up living there for weeks at a time. We sort of adopted him.'

'I see,' Snape relaxed a little, 'He does seem to be a lot... more sedate than your other sibling.'

Cat winced, 'Was Rob _experimenting_ again?'

'As well as passing your business cards out to a class full of under-age wizards, young Mr Duncan appeared to be making the Potions equivalent of nitro glycerine. With the ingredients of a common headache relieving draft containing no explosive properties, I might add. How he managed it is beyond me. If he wasn't so obviously deranged I'd almost be impressed.'

'Rob wanted to be a mad scientist before he got his letter. Now it's mad Potion's Master.' Cat supplied, 'I'd like to apologise on behalf of my gene pool. Would it help if I told you you're one of his favourite teachers?'

Snape raised his eyebrows and smirked, 'I thought I was a torn-faced bastard?'

'Well, ye are; though you're being very well behaved tonight Prof.' Cat grinned, 'But when Rob got home after his first year, he went on about how bloody fantastic Potions class was for _days_. He said you did this speech that made it sound, and I quote, "Dead scary and bloody cool." And that you were awesome, but a torn-faced bastard. Then he got grounded for a week for swearing, but that didn't bother him; he had his head stuck in his potions textbook. We had to actually prise it from his hands to get him to eat.'

'Good Lord,' he murmured, 'He _does_ do very well in the subject, but he's never indicated I'm one of his,' he grimaced, '_Favourite teachers_.' Snape wasn't there to be anyone's _favourite teacher_. He was there to teach Potions, make sure the little bastards didn't blow themselves up, deduct points, terrorise students, aggravate Gryffindors and make sure Harry Bloody Potter didn't get himself killed. On a good day he could combine all six.

'That because you're a torn faced bastard,' Cat replied, 'And you've got no time for arse lickers outside of Slytherin, according to him.'

'That's true. Still, your brother is quite adept. I just wish he'd stop combining ingredients that shouldn't even be in the same _room_, never mind a cauldron.'

'I'll have a word with him, not that that'll do any good. He'll just smile and say "OK" and then go ahead and do it as soon as I take my eyes off him.'

'Oh bloody hell, yes, he does the same at school. It's absolutely futile taking points as he makes them up later and detention is just another excuse for his little _experiments_. I'd send him to Filch, our caretaker, but he actually gets on with him.'

'We'll have to think of something. But not right now, I'm too tired,' Cat got up and stretched. 'Right, I've got sleeping bags for me and Malk; we can crash in here. You can take my bed, or sleep on the couch and the Blond Bombsite can have the bed instead. I'll just go and get blankets for the couch.'

She turned to Malky and Lucius, still engrossed in front of the TV, 'Lads, we're getting some kip now. Time to come off the Playstation.'

Lucius wasn't keen on this, 'But I'm winning!'

'Bud, ye've just been making her jump up and down the whole time ye've been playin'.' Malky pointed out.

'_Precisely_!'


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three: In Which Our Heroes Embark On An Epic Journey

_Cumbernauld, Strathclyde,1995; the following morning_

Severus awoke, wondered why his bedroom wall was orange and his bed so small, turned over, and was confronted by a pair of feet. He was dimly aware of a body attached to them, but was so taken by the fact a pair of obviously adult feet were so small; they were _tiny_, with petite toes painted purple; that he barely registered it.

'Are we awake, or do we need application of caffeine?' came a soft voice from above those little feet. Severus tore his eyes away and looked up into the face of a smiling young woman. He didn't often wake up in such circumstances; so it took a few moments for the events of the previous evening to come back to him.

'Ah... coffee. Yes, coffee would be welcome, thank you. Black, please, no sugar.' Cat gave him a soft, indulgent sort of smile and went into the little kitchen just of the living room.

Severus sat up from the floor and managed to unzip the sleeping bag on the second fumbled go and tottered into the bathroom to answer Mother Nature's rather frantic cries. When he returned, Cat was holding a mug out to him; he seized it and gulped down the precious, life-giving liquid. The world became slightly less overwhelming as the caffeine began to work it's way through his system. He sighed happily.

'I'll get you another one,' Cat chuckled, 'Malky's making breakfast, we'll have that and get going. Can you wake up Sleeping Beauty here?' She indicated Lucius, sprawled indolently upon her couch; they'd insisted upon being gentlemen and letting Cat use her own bed. 'I tried, but he had a go at hexing me; good job he used the wrong part of his pimp cane.' Severus noted that Lucius had his wand in his left hand and the hollow portion of his cane in the right. Silly bugger had drawn the wrong end to cast.

'Typical. Not to worry, it wouldn't have been serious; he's usually too out of it in the mornings to think of anything complicated.'

One application of _Augamenti,_a lot of swearing from a dripping wet Lucius and a drying charm later, they sat down to discover the joys of a "piece and square sausage" - square shaped fried sausage meat on a sandwich. The sausage was tasty and more spicy than a regular sausage, and was just the right size to fit on the bread. Severus wondered if he could get the house elves to serve it at Hogwarts; it was just the thing to start the day.

Cat then filled a carrier bag with crisps and sweets for munchies on the journey; Lucius was particularly taken with a chocolate bar called "Freddo". It had a frog moulded into the chocolate, but he was disappointed when it didn't move.

o0o

'Behold,' said Malky, with great pride, 'The Malk Mobile.'

'Interesting,' Snape inspected it with the air of knowing what he was doing, 'A Ford, yes?'

'1990 Sierra,' replied Malky, surprised. 'Didnae think you'd know about cars, bud.'

Snape shrugged, 'My Uncle Albert was a Muggle; he had a Ford Cortina mark three. It was the closest he could get to Starsky and Hutch's car. I used to help him tinker about with it. Old bastard drove like a maniac,' Snape's long face had lit up with nostalgia. 'How fast does it go?'

'Oh,' Malky grinned with the air of a man who did a fair bit of "tinkering" himself. 'Pretty fast.'

Lucius and Cat watched as the two happily got into the car, Malky pointing out features and Snape nodding enthusiastically as he settled his long body into the front passenger seat.

Malfoy, predictably, wasn't so keen.

'Back seat or boot, Lucy,' Cat said. Malfoy glared at her. She grinned.

Snape poked his head out the window, 'Lucius, stop pissing about and get in the bloody car. The sooner we start, the sooner we get to Hogwarts and you can decontaminate yourself from all the horrid Muggleness,' he said, rolling his eyes, 'And just think of how impressed Narcissa will be when she hears about the indignities you went through to rejoin her.'

Lucius sighed and got into the back seat, 'That would be a very convincing argument, Severus, if we didn't both know she's more likely to take the piss.'

'And don't tell her you cheated on her with Lara Croft,' Cat sniggered, getting in beside him.

Lucius did not dignify that with a reply. But he did lean toward her as the car moved off. 'I wonder what naughty thoughts _you_ were having when you stared at Severus' fingers last night,' he murmured into her ear. He grinned as he saw her blush. 'Did you know he's adept at seeing thoughts when he wants to?'

He sat back, smiling smugly, as Cat stared at the back of Severus' head, trying to figure out if what Lucius had said was true. And if so, if Severus _had_ taken a look at some of the rather R-rated scenarios her imagination had supplied the night before. She glanced back at Lucius, eyes narrowed.

'You bugger.' she said, finally.

Lucius examined his fingernails, 'Dear me, did I prod a guilty conscience, Kitten?'

'_Kitten_?'

'Well, since you gave me that _delightful _little affectionate moniker last night, I thought it only polite to return the favour.'

'You are one twisted individual, _Lucy._' Cat was looking at him with a mix of amusement and horror.

'Why thank you. I do believe that's the kindest thing you've said to me, _Kitten._'

Malky looked over at Severus. 'They're gonnae be like this the whole trip, aren't they?'

Snape sighed. 'What do _you_ think?'

'Ah'm puttin' the radio on. Loud.'

'Excellent idea.'

o0o

The drive was going smoothly and without incident, apart from an argument about music between Cat and Malky. Malky wanted Techno, Cat said she'd make him eat the CD if he tried to put "that tuneless shite on". Neither Snape or Malfoy new enough about modern Muggle music to have an opinion. Malky sulked until they came up with the compromise of Oasis. Lucius had made a snide remark about Muggle musical ability which caused him some embarrassment half an hour later when Malky stopped the CD to change track and Lucius was caught humming _What's the Story Morning Glory_.

As they'd left before the rush hour the road was relatively clear and they were making good time. They were leaving Perth behind when Malky noticed something rather unsettling in his rear view mirror.

'Haw lads, you fly on brooms, right?'

'Yes?'

'So Ah'm guessin' that's no' the traffic polis coming up behind us, then.'

'What?' Snape and Malfoy turned to stare out the back window. A flock of broom bound wizards were hurtling toward them.

'Goodies or baddies?' asked Cat.

Malfoy stared at the grinning face of his sister in law, her grin widening as she spotted him. 'I'd have to say "baddies".'

'_Right_.' Malky put his foot down, swerving past the bus they'd been cruising behind and just managed to get in front of it, missing an oncoming lorry by inches.

Some of the flyers weren't so lucky; three or four of them swerved to avoid the lorry and smacked into the large roadside sign on the motorway.

Unfortunately, Bellatrix wasn't one of them. Green light shot from her wand, and Cat's head was pulled down by Malfoy, his head ducked over hers. 'She's using the killing curse,' he hissed into her ear, 'Keep down!'

The curse didn't hit the car directly, but glanced along the right side, leaving scraped metal and bubbling paint. Malky glanced out of his side mirror, and his face drained of all emotion as he surveyed the damage.

'Did she just scratch mah car?' he asked Snape, his voice incredibly calm as he broke several taboos of the Highway Code trying to avoid further shots.

'I think we have rather more pressing problems, Mr Sneddon!'

'_Nobody_ touches mah car!' Malky hissed.

'Oh, shite,' said Cat, very quietly as she felt the car accelerate even further.

Malky was usually quite even tempered, but certain things tended to transform him into the Scottish Ned equivalent of a Viking _Berserker_. These were: Insultin' his Maw, Beltin' Burds Aboot, and Muckin' Aboot wi' The CAR. It was his pride and joy. Everyone in their area knew not to mess with his car, because silly wee Malky with his cheeky grin would become the raging psychopath who had you by the throat against a wall, repeatedly kicking you in the goolies and would need to be pulled off you by at least four people.

Malky tore off the motorway and down a smaller, country road, heading towards a low bridge, narrow and deep, leading under another motorway.

'What the devil do you think you're doing?' Snape demanded, knuckles white as he gripped the dashboard.

'Ah've got an idea.'

'Oh, _shite_,' Cat said again.

Malky tore under the bridge and then slammed on the breaks, hard. Cat nearly slid off her seat onto the floor.

The broom riders, so intent on their prey, had bunched together and flown low in order to follow them into the tunnel. They hadn't quite counted on their prey stopping suddenly in such a confined space.

_THUMP_

_THUMP_

_THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP_

_THUMP_

_SPLAT_

Lucius straightened up and turned to see Yaxley slowly sliding down the glass of the back window before dropping to the ground. A heap of brooms and bodies was piled against the back of the car.

Malky turned to survey his achievement, 'Jeremy Clarkson, eat yer heart oot!' he crowed.

'Yes, very well done,' Lucius was impressed, despite himself. Cat peered at the pile.

'That all of them, d'ye think?'

A red bolt of light whizzed by them, coming from the front. They turned to see Bellatrix hovering before them.

'Luuuuciuuuusss,' she sang, 'Seeveruuusss! Come out and play!'

'She must have flown over the bridge,' Lucius gripped his wand, 'Damn.'

'She does show common sense at the most ridiculously inconvenient times, yes.' Snape turned to look at his friend, 'Shall we?'

Malfoy drew his wand. 'Do lets. I still owe her for what she did to my peacocks.' Bellatrix had been the one responsible for the peacock casualties at Malfoy Manor, and she was no kinder to wildlife than she was to human beings.

'We'll take care of her,' Snape told Cat and Malky, 'However, Bellatrix is insane and an excellent dueller. If it looks like she's getting the better of us, Mr Sneddon, run her down.'

Malky was horrified, 'I _cannae_...'

'Bellatrix is a _psychopath_. She tortures and kills people for _fun_, and there are two people who have been in hospital for fifteen years because of her; they may very likely never recover. If she kills or incapacitates us and you _don't_ run her down, she will start on you and Miss Duncan, Mr Sneddon, and you will _beg_ her to kill you before she's even remotely finished "playing" with you. Do you understand?'

Malky swallowed, 'Aye. I don't like it, though.'

Snape gripped his arm reassuringly, 'Lucius and I will do our best to make sure you don't have to, Mr Sneddon.' And with that, he got out of the car. Lucius following suit.

'_There_ you are!' Bellatrix hopped from her broom, 'I was beginning to think you were shy!'

'Oh, not shy, Trixie,' said Lucius, very calmly. 'Severus and I were discussing the finer points of the début musical recording of Oasis. A discourse, I'm sure you'll agree, _much_ more important than fisticuffs. What about you, Severus?'

'It's an enjoyable album, to be sure, however I found some of the elements to be somewhat derivative of earlier artists.'

'_What?_' Bellatrix was slightly confused. She expected the Traitors to be fighting, or cowering from the retribution she would serve on behalf of the Dark Lord, but these two fools were babbling about oases? Music?

'You think so? Of course, there's nothing wrong with that; experimentation with pre existing forms can lead to...'

'Enough!' Lestrange fired at her brother in law, who deflected her curse with apparent ease.

'Really, Bellatrix, must you be so rude?' Severus purred. 'If you wanted to join in you only had to ask.'

'You filthy little halfblood! How dare you betray the Dark Lord; and Lucius! How could you leave us for those Mudbloods and Muggle lovers!'

'She's not very good with insults, is she?' Cat commented to Malky. They'd rolled down the windows in order not to miss anything.

Malky nodded. 'It's no' exactly sending me home bawlin'.'

'Am I filthy, Lucius?' Severus assumed a hurt look.

'Not at all Severus, I'd say you were rather well groomed. I'd do something about that hair though.'

'Not _that _again! I _told_ you I can't help it, it's because...'

Bellatrix, enraged yet again that no one was giving her the fearful respect she believed she deserved, sent Severus flying against the wall. He recovered quickly enough, and turned to Bellatrix with a satisfied smirk.

'You're so easy to wind up, my dear Bellatrix. So very easy to _distract,_' he hissed, as Lucius took advantage of Bellatrix's focus on Severus to attack her. She scrambled to shield herself, and the fight was on.

The tunnel was lit up in a rainbow of coloured light as hexes and curses were tossed back and forth. All three combatants dodged and spun, hair and robes fluttering.

It all looked pretty impressive.

Cat couldn't take her eyes from Snape; the man moved like a bloody tiger, face tense in concentration when it wasn't lit up by a vicious smirk when one of his curses got by Lestrange's shields.

'Wow.'

Malky looked at her and rolled his eyes, 'Totally fannystruck,' he muttered.

'I feel we should be munching popcorn or something.'

'It's a pretty good rammy, I'll say that,' Malky agreed. 'Not what I'm used tae, though... Ooooh, _nasty_! He's no' gonnae like that.'

Lucius held a lock of his hair, turned bubblegum pink, before his eyes, staring at it. Then his blandly aristocratic face twisted into a rictus of rage as he focused on Bellatrix.

'Ooh, now he's _riled,_' Malky commented sagely.

Malfoy let out a stream of curses, both magical and verbal, forcing Lestrange back a few paces, but in his fury he let his control slip. Bellatrix got in a lucky hex that tossed him through the air to land heavily on the bonnet of the car. Malky and Cat watched him slide off it and onto the ground in front. Cat tried to get out to see to him, but the door was hit by a stray spell that fused it shut.

Snape and Lestrange squared off, spells flying faster than the two Muggles could keep up with. Deadly light making their faces glow, Snape's a scowl of effort, Bellatrix's twisted into a lunatic grin. Cat chewed on her nails, Malky gripped the steering wheel.

Then Bellatrix knocked Snape's feet out from under him, sending him down heavily. The impact knocked the wind out of him and the wand from his hand.

'Shite!' Cat and Malky chorused.

'Cat, Malfoy's doon in front o' the car! I cannae go over him!'

Cat said a word that would get her into major trouble with her Mum, then, 'Right, I'll go out the other side and get him...'

'Crucio!'

Cat's head shot up when she heard that. She knew what _that_ spell did.

Snape had curled up into a defensive ball, shaking; biting his lip to stop screaming. Lestrange stood over him, her face lit up with pleasure. And Cat saw red.

'Malk, get something heavy. I'll distract her, you sneak up and belt her one.' And she was out of the car and striding toward Bellatrix before Malky could reply.

Bellatrix cackled as she applied the curse again. She stopped both as she felt a tap on her shoulder. She spun about, expecting Lucius, only to find a short woman grinning at her. She blinked, confused. That moment of hesitation cost her, because Cat used it to step smartly forward and head butt her.

The witch screeched and staggered back, clutching at her broken nose.

Severus, twitching from the after effects of cruciatus, pulled himself up to sit on his knees and looked about for his wand. If he could stun Bellatrix before she recovered...

Cat moved forward to stick the boot into Bellatrix, who swung her wand up to aim at her...

'_Stupefy!_'

Bellatrix fell. Snape turned in the direction the stunner had come form and saw not Lucius, as he had expected, but Malcolm Sneddon, a wand gripped in a shaking hand, aimed at the unconscious witch.

'Mr Sneddon?'

'Malky?' Cat stared at her informally adopted brother, 'Did you just...?'

Malky turned his chalk white face to Snape, 'D-did I kill her?'

Snape finally found his wand and hauled himself to his feet. 'No, Mr Sneddon, you did not. She is merely stunned.' He turned and fixed a gimlet gaze on Malky, 'How long have you been able to perform magic?'

'Ah don't know! Naeb'dy telt me!' Malky wailed, 'Malfoy wis in front o' the car and Ah couldnae just run over him and Cat went ballistic when you went doon and she went after that psychobitch and I couldnae hit a lassie even if she's a psychobitch and Ah didnae know whit tae do! And wan o' they sticks wis just next tae the car and Ah heard you say that "Stupefy" word and Ah thought Ah'd try...'

Cat dashed over to him and wrapped him up in a hug, cutting off his panicked monologue. 'Malky, it's awright. Yer fine. You sorted it. It's fine.'

'What did I miss?' Lucius asked as he painfully peeled himself off the ground, 'And why is Sneddon holding a wand?'

'Bellatrix just got taken down,' Snape said slowly, relishing the moment, 'By our Mr Sneddon's very first spell.'

Lucius blinked, 'Forgive me, is it concussion, or did you just say Trixie got taken down by _Sneddon_?'

'I did indeed.'

'With _magic_?'

'Correct. It appears Mr Sneddon is a previously undetected Muggleborn wizard.'

Lucius looked at Snape. The he looked at the crumpled form of Bellatix, who was drooling. Then he stared at Malky. Then, very slowly, he grinned.

'_Priceless_! That's just... priceless!' He started to snigger. 'She's _never_ going to live this down!'

'Indeed. However, that depends on how long we decide to let her live,' Snape said carefully.

'Come now, Severus. We are supposed to be reformed characters, after all. We'll take her with us and hand her over to Moody.' Lucius grinned slowly, 'And I know _just_ the thing to keep her out of trouble until we do...'

Twenty minutes later a car sped along the motorway toward Aberdeenshire, containing one muggle, one shocked new wizard, two long established wizards and one _very_ pissed off white peacock locked in the boot.


End file.
